Top Ten Messages I Want Jeff Goldblum to Leave on my Answering Machine.

10. Bitch, please!

9. I am the living model of a modern major general

8. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

7. Who wants pie?

6. Obsequious

5. Have you met Ted?

4. The atomic number of Thulium is 69

3. Oh, snap!

2. Does this miniskirt make my butt look big?

1. Bazinga

10. Jon & Kate Plus 8, but only on weekends and alternating holidays.

9.  Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Jon’s new girlfriend Sherry.

8.  Jon & Kate Plus Block, Sharpe and Levine, LLC.

7. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus a room divided by masking tape.

6. Jon & Kate Plus bitter resentment

5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Kate’s new girlfriend Sherry.

4. Jon & Kate Minus 8 cos the kids cited irreconcilable differences.

3. Jon Plus 24 hours of uninterrupted silence.

2. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus a speedy reconciliation in order to keep their million dollar show on the air.

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Join the Octomom Plus 14 in secluded anonymity.

10. Tears for Hamsters

9. Hamster & Oates (although Oates is more hamsterish)

8. Nine Inch Hamsters

7. Van Hamster

6. Electric Light Hamster

5. Hamster Supply  (and their International hit “I’m All Out of Hamster”)

4. Bananahamsterrama

3. Destiny’s Hamster

2. They Might Be Hamsters

1. REO Speedhamster

10. Your time to complete the 40 yard dash is 4.78 ….  minutes.

9. You’ve been disgnosed with black lung disease.

8. Your ornithophobia prevents you from playing for or against the Cardinals, Eagles, Falcons or Ravens.

7. Last week you were knocked unconscious by the tackling dummy.  Again.

6. You are wearing your protective cup – but not correctly.

5. You only weigh 113 pounds.

4. The coach says “Run an in-and-out pattern” – you return with an In-N-Out hamburger.

3. Someone hands you a football and you ask what it is.

2. Your lack of depth perception makes it impossible for you to catch any thrown object from any distance.

1. You graduated high school in 1964.

10. JC is maxin’ and chillaxin’.

9. JC can never remember which is the faux pas – turning water into white wine or red wine with fish.

8. JC is not impressed with the new Facebook layout.

7. JC doesn’t know anything about it but really thinks you should be looking at the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series this year.

6. JC is not cool with the Easter Bunny – we will throw down if I find him.

5. JC is heading out to dinner at this great fish and bread basket place.

4. JC wants to move his next sermon to the Green Monster seats at Fenway.  Make it happen, people!

3. JC has no use for lima beans.

2. JC just can’t put down those exciting ‘Twilight’ novels.

1. JC admits that whole ‘walking on water’ thing was just propoganda started by those darned Galatians.

10. Fenway Frank

9. Oriole Nachos

8. Los Angeles Angel Hair Pasta

7. Dodger Dog

6. Phillie Mignon

5. Bottled Hot Dog Cart Water

4. Yankee Noodly Dandy

3. Kansas City Royale with Cheese

2. Spaghetti with meatballs and either Red or White Sox

1. Giant Nuggets

10. Make every dollar bill worth two dollars.

9. Employ Henry Winkler to set up an elaborate Fonzie scheme to make money.

8. Put Department of Agriculture in charge of everyone’s weed.

7. Make everyone’s 401k plan into a 402k plan.

6. Reduce goverment by combining the states of Delaware, Rhode Island and Massachusetts into Delachu Island.

5. More bake sales.

4. From now on all corporate bonuses are paid in lottery tickets.

3. Stop giving out winning lottery tickets.

2. Build more wind farms by planting more wind seeds.

1. Replace government red ink with cheaper blue ink pens.